contradictions lead to crisis

I do not agree with all of Obama's policies. I do not agree with his stance on Israel, or most of his foreign policy. I knew that when I voted for him. But honestly that's mostly the fault of the entire country, and what the last eight years of Bush have brought. It is the fault of the neo-liberal conservative era which has shaped the minds and thoughts of many individuals. Most believe that the United States has a right to intervene militarily in the Middle East, a right to punish Osama Bin Laden. Many more believe that Israel has a right to its land and has a right to defend its borders. What would happen if Obama started to negotiate with Hamas? The lobby is too powerful. How do we change that? It's going to take a lot more than just electing a new president. Obama knows that. On the second day of his presidency, if he went to talk to Hamas leaders, somebody would have a cow. People are having cows because he's willing to negotiate with Iran without preconditions!! Or maybe he really believes that Israel has a right to defend itself. Who the hell knows what goes on in his head.

How does change happen? A single man cannot do it. Change must be collective, must be organized. Socially, politically, economically, I float to the extreme left, almost to the point of non-existence. If I were to present my ideas to people, most would think I am crazy. I would never get elected; I would never enact change. I would just be the crazy person spewing liberal ideas. People need to be convinced, but slowly. Black people became non-slaves in the late 1860s. But it was another 100 years before the civil rights movement. Slavery has not really gone away, it continues to haunt the black-American even now. But change has occurred. In 1869, if a black person tried to run for president.... it wouldn't happen. It just wouldn't. So change happens slowly. It cannot happen over night. I may want Obama to end all the wars in the Middle East. He may even want to end all wars. But nobody would let him do it. So how can we change this? By organizing, by building a generation that is different, that is more liberal, that is more to the left. Our generation is responsible for this. Our generation is responsible for creating the next generation that will be better. Who voted against gay marriage? Mostly the older generation. Why? Because the shape of their perceptions are different from ours because they grew up in a world that was different from this one. In 1869, a black man would not have been elected because the people would not have elected him. One hundred and thirty some odd years later, we live in a different world, where that is no longer impossible. But we still live in a world where the Middle East has been painted as the enemy. But this can be changed as well. Maybe some day, we will no longer need enemies. But right now this is just not possible. All we can do is strive for a world where it can be.

So why am I excited about Obama? I don't agree with his political views necessarily, especially his stance on foreign policy. In fact I am downright angry about it. But I'm hoping he'll generate a more vibrant civil society, a more concerned populace. In Cuba, politics are completely different, but it's not only because of Castro or because they're socialist, but because of their people who are more engaged, who believe in a different set of values. Last week Obama launched "Organizing for America." It's part of his pledge to involve the people in his presidency. How well this will work is questionable. I am not an idealist, I don't want to be a wild, bushy-tailed optimist either. But I think such an organization can be good. The opposition claims that this will be an army for the president to do its bidding:

"[S]ources familiar with the planning say the new group will employ a full-time staff of hundreds of professional organizers, possibly numbering an average of between one and two workers per congressional district in certain politically important states. One source said that Obama aides have discussed an annual budget of $75 million — an unprecedented standing political army that will await orders from a president.

The network also has the potential to cause tension within the Democratic Party because Obama is expected to mobilize the organization to target Democratic lawmakers in Republican-leaning districts who might hesitate to vote for his agenda when it comes to imposing limits on carbon gas emissions, for example, or universal healthcare." [http://proteinwisdom.com/?p=14125]

What about Bush and his Christian Right? Shouldn't all leaders have some sort of following? Shouldn't leaders have support of the people? Shouldn't leaders have people willing to their work because they believe in him or her? Isn't that better than a small group of secretive people who do the president's bidding to further their own individual agenda? Cheney and Halliburton, for example. If anything, during the reign of Bush, Cheney moved all the strings, but kept mum about it to the point that most don't know he was pulling the strings. It's not like Obama is creating this organization through secretive means. He's not generating a secret society to support him. He's airing this shit to the public. He's trying to garner support from people who actually support him and believe in his views. That's not a perfect democracy, but it's a hell of a lot better than Bush. But who knows maybe he is creating an evil army. I tried looking for more information on this new organization, but haven't really found very much. I think that's because much hasn't been released. Honestly, I am not a complete supporter of Obama, I'm really not. I just find him fascinating. His campaign was very strategic. He is the charismatic leader. So was Hitler. But do all charismatic leaders use their powers for evil? I guess it depends on how you choose to define evil. The individual quoted above is obviously afraid of universal health care and llmits on carbon gas emissions. Maybe for some that is evil.

But anyway, regardless of what happens, regardless of how corrupt Obama is or will become, I love that the conservatives are flipping out! I love it. After 8 years of Bush, I hope they make fun of him. I hope they're scared of him. I hope that they hate him. I hope that they feel like I felt when Bush was president: angry.

Kind of like this guy:

"Even though Hussein has barely any connection to Black Americans and is more foreigner than American, he is a typical Black American.

His phony show business, flash and trash, music, dance are all straight out of cultural cliches.

An anti-American, left wing lawyer with virtually no experience and his hate filled, anti-American witch of a wife.

How low this nation has fallen. We will pay for this foolishness. A lawyer with Marxist tendencies in the White House. Of course, most people who voted for him are too ignorant to understand what that means."

I love this quote. It made my day. "A lawyer with Marxist tendences" : oh man I really hope so!!! I really fucking hope so. I hope he's anti-American... I really fucking hope so. I love that quote because I hope Obama is everything that individual fears. I don't think he really is, but maybe he is. Even if he is not, I hope that the fucking right-wing motherfuckers are fucking trembling, are fucking scared. Because if they are, I think America is heading in the right direction, even if they continue to support Israel. At least, America is closing Guatanamo. As they say Rome wasn't built in a day.

Wow, I've spent the last three hours writing. First my epic comment on Nima's livejournal entry, now this. I was supposed to read.

One last thing: I'm not sure if this was always available to the public, but on nytimes.com, I found documents on the Guantanamo detainees. These documents are records of the accusations against the detainees and transcripts of the interrogations with them and other witnesses. I read one about a man who had been detained for six years. He was a persecuted Chinese, who traveled to Afghanistan to learn how to fight back against his Chinese government. He stayed in what the US said was a military camp, but it sounded more like an informal encampment of refugees. He built toilets for them. He fired a gun a couple times for fun. But I guess he was somewhere at the wrong time because he was caught by the United States government and sent to Cuba. He had three witnesses who corroborated his story. He said at least three times during the interrogation that his enemy was the Chinese government, that he did not care about the US, had never before then come into contact with US forces and had no desire to create more enemies for himself. Then why the fuck was the US detaining him? Well just like probably 90% of the other prisoners, for no reason. I just thought this was interesting... because what the fuck, America is helping the Chinese government? 

Okay now I'm done.
 

American people are retarded. People in general are retarded. arr.

Obama picked Joe Biden as his VP. I don't know much about the man, but this is what I have learned thus far:

• He does not think that Obama is ready to lead. He thinks that Obama needs more experience.Yes, agreed. McCain ran a negative campaign with this information - which is yet again a horrible blunder. The Democrats picked someone who did not fully support Obama for balance, someone to challenge Obama on his decisions; conflict is better than no conflict. Conflict means that shit is happening right.
• He voted to authorize the Iraq War; he was one of the twenty-nine Democrat senators to do so. He claims that this was a mistake. Good that he admits his mistake, it's okay to make mistakes. Bad because he must have believed that at some level the war in Iraq was a good idea, it means that he would be okay with another war. Also it's possible that he is lying.
• His largest corporate sponsor is Mastercard. He enacted a new bankrupty law in 2005 that made it harder for individuals to file bankruptcy and easier for corporations. What are the implications of a bank sponsor? I could potentially hypothesize, but I won't. I dislike credit card companies, but it's too idealistic to think that you can be a politician without corporate support. 
• He is also presumably blamed for the modern drug war because of his Anti-Drug Abuse Act of 1988. I'm not entirely sure how, but I do know that he is a strong advocate of drug policies. But maybe it was an unintended consequence, maybe he was attempting to help the drug crisis, but ended up making it works. When you are a politican for so many years, mistakes are bound to happen. And it was two decades ago, people do change their views based on practical outcomes. Also, I do not blanketly approve of drugs, especially the abuse of drugs. I smoke weed, I don't do coke or heroin. Addiction (to anything, not just drugs) can be dangerous and help for such addiction should be available.
  
• He supports a tri-partition for Iraq. I am guessing: Sunni, Shiite, and Kurd? Not a bad idea, I definitely think that smaller regions are easier to rule, especially when those in the region are ideologically similar. But dividing a country is frequently advised against.
  
• He has a lot of experience, especially in foreign relations. Again the Democrats are attempting to balance the ticket.

In other news: the Bush administration delivered 55 tons of "humanitarian" aid to Georgia. Fifty-five tons is a lot: that's 11 African male elephants. Why so heavy? Because this humantarian aid includes weapons, transported by a war ship: USS McFaul, the first of three, all which can carry warheads.
Also the activists have arrived at Gaza finally: they have been travelling by ship to help Free Gaza.

Lastly the Olympics are over!

GAO released a study yesterday that showed that foreign-owned companies pay less in taxes than US-owned companies. Or rather as they put it, foreign-owned companies are more likely to state that they do not have any tax liabilities. Regardless of the comparison, though I did not read the report, it appears that a lot of companies evade taxes by claiming no profit. I smell tax evasion.

From the New York Times:
"At a basic corporate tax rate of 35 percent, all the corporations covered in the study in theory owed $875 billion in federal income taxes. But because the tax code allows corporations to claim legally an array of deductions, write-offs, operating losses and tax credits, the actual taxes paid were much lower."

But the focus of most of these stories is that foreign-owned companies are more likely not to pay taxes (appeal to nationalism...)... oh the media. I did a research paper two years ago on NY Times' coverage of the Lebanon War (Israel vs. Lebanese Hezbollah), it was hella interesting how each story was framed. It's subtle, you gotta dig for all the shit that they don't say. For example, the leader of Hezbollah made this speech about the War and the NY Times quoted only certain parts and totally skewed his message. But you'd only know that if you read the actual speech and who does that? (unless you're writing a paper, haha). The control of knowledge... it's a dangerous tool.

I recently signed up for Mccain's campaign. I might have mentioned this already, I can't remember. It seems strange, but I wanted to see the other side. Oh man, compared to Obama's campaign, Mccain is so fucking shitty. About 40% of his campaign emails bash Obama. A campaign should not consist of shit-talking. They have another anti-Obama video - Obama Fan Club... they keep trying to weaken Obama by claiming that he's too popular... they had quotes from people saying how great Obama is (he's like Bono and he has dreamy eyes)... the only thing they have on him is that he doesn't have experience and that he will raise taxes. At least he's not about to fall into the fucking grave!! Obama's emails genuinely make me appreciate him, make me feel like I'm part of something. I don't actually feel like that, but ... damn, his campaign has great grassroots organizing tactics. Yes Obama may not be seventy fucking years old, but at least he fucking knows how to run a campaign, he knows how to mobilize people. That's pretty fucking hard to do - I've been on the grassroots organizing side: it is not a walk in the park to make people care. I'm not saying he will be a great president or anything, but he's much more qualified in my eyes than Mccain, but I suppose I am slightly biased. I try not to be but I can't help it.

Okay, one more glaring difference:
August 11th: McCain's campaign asks for campaign donation. For how much you ask? Well nothing less but the limit: $2300.
August 13th: Obama's campaign says that we are about to make history, about to get 2 million on board with the movement (it's not just a campaign, it's a fucking movement - and it's not his movement, it's our movement and you can join too). How can you join? Donate ... $5 (or more) - but the suggestion is $5. (he succeeded) His campaign does that all the time - we've almost reached this limit or this deadline... yep, great tactic, set small goals, accomplish goals, then tell advertise those accomplished goals, it makes people feel good. To mold and shape the human mind is not too difficult, you just gotta know what you're doing. McCain does not.

And this is not just one time difference, it's the most obvious difference I've seen. McCain consistently asks for at least $25. Obama only $5 [actually I think the donation page fluctuates on how much you can donate... I've seen $5 before, but there is one page that says $25, and another that says $15... but whatever my point still stands]. Who the fuck is running McCain's campaign? Because so far, I've been horribly disappointed. Obama is utilizing intense unification rhetoric and McCain does smears.

I've actually been close to donating to Obama's campaign. Yes, me. I am not going to because I don't believe in him that much (or donating money to a campaign), but damn there were times when his emails made me think about it. And yes I ordered the bumper sticker and the button. Still waiting for them. I know, I know what the fuck? I don't even support him that much... yet, I am getting free stickers and buttons. But if he can do that to me... man. Maybe he should not be elected... anyone who can mobilize people that well is dangerous. But yes, McCain is right - he does have a fan club and yes some probably support him because he is charismatic which does not mean he will be a good leader - but... that's what people go for. Apparently it's why Bush won the presidency - because he looked like someone you could have a beer with. Our democracy is wonderful.

Oh and sadly, yes very very sadly, I'm not even sure what I was thinking, I might have been high, but I will now be one of the first of the American public to know who Obama's VP is because I signed up for his text alert. ... What the fuck?! I don't even know that much about his VP potentials. Ridiculous. He's  definitely gotten a lot of people more involved in politics. But he's still got three months left... (a bit under), McCain is obviously attempting to burn out Obama's popularity by saying he's too popular. Obama better be careful because as they always say anything that goes up must come down.... but I guess we'll have to see. But I think it would take more than him being too popular for McCain to win.

Oh politics.

In other news:
Georgia vs. Russia continues
Arkansas Democratic Chairman shot
China is up one medal over the US (32 vs. 31)

I wrote an entry about socialism a couple weeks ago. I will now balance it out with capitalism. Capitalism is also a buzz word. How many people can accurately define this phenomenon? Not many. Individualized self-interest? Profit-incentives? Free trade? Free market? Freedom? Consumption?

A few people claim that capitalism is the reason for their increased standard of living, that capitalism allows them to lead the lifestyle they do. But though capitalism plays a role, I believe it's minuscule. It's not capitalism, per se - because a lot of fucking people in the United States do not share this standard of living. I know I didn't, but now I'm at the premier public university of the US and am getting money from the government. Personally I believe capitalism has destroyed much more for me... but that's a whole different story. That's personal, this is an objective proposal. The reason that America has pockets of wealth is not because it's capitalist, but because it is the leading innovator. It is the most powerful nation in the world in terms how it controls other nations. We do not comply by environmental standards, if the most powerful nation was one that advocated green development, maybe they'd put fucking embargo on our ass. But oh no that won't happen. Bush can leave the G-8 convention with the words "Good-bye from world's biggest polluter." Who else would dare say that?

The reason that people praise capitalism is because they are wealthy. But that has nothing to do with capitalism as much as it has to do with the class position they hold in society. If they are the dominant class in any society, they will certainly claim that the system in place is great. Why wouldn't they? When you're young, when you have the whole world in front of you, yeah capitalism looks great. But it's not always going to be like this. And it's false to praise capitalism. Also it depends on how you want to define standard of living. I suppose the fact that there is food everywhere is one point for America, but then you have to look at the type of food we eat. I read this book last summer, Friction, which told the story of a group of people that lived in the forest of a Southeast Asian country, I forget which one. One of the women interviewed talked about how they can leave their house and pick a fruit from the tree and this fruit is the most amazing thing you can taste. I can't do that. When I read that, I was jealoius. I get a bag of potato chips, which makes my mouth feel like sandpaper. Oh yes, go capitalism.

Seve said that the more you learn, the more you'll have to drink (or whatever your form of getting fucked up is). I agree. Sometimes I hate knowing certain things and even worse experiencing these things first hand. There was a boy in my class this summer from Mexico who said that it's not real until you've seen a maquiladora and then the label "Made in XXX" means something so much more.

Ryan argued about capitalism with a scientist and an architect. But he argued as a white rich male who has never left this country with two equally rich people who have probably never experienced poverty or anything even close to not sheltered. (Argumets among the sheltered are great - there is a reason me, Raechal, Eddy and Nima did not participate - look at who we are... haha). The skewed points of views made me tremble. But it's okay Nima was there to help me make fun of them. And since both of us read newspapers, care about politics, and have actually experienced a world outside of the US... well that makes all the difference.

Maybe someday I will do research in a foreign coutry... I hope so... maybe one day, more people won't think I'm crazy, but maybe not. Either way, at least I can reassure myself that lots of people who were told that they were stupid and crazy, were actually right and intelligent. Maybe holding a non-dominant view of society is good, even if it's deeply frustrating.

I hate when socialism is abused. Most people have no idea what socialism is, it's just a buzz word like freedom. But despite this, the word invokes a particular feeling: most commonly aversion. In America, (and maybe everywhere) to be a socialist is an insult. Fox labeled Michelle Obama a socialist; and now McCain has implied that Obama is a socialist based on his voting record - which apparently is very much to the left.

Yet this is what Obama says, "It's time to engage China on common interests like climate change, even as we continue to encourage their shift to a more open and market-based society." Socialism in my opinion is not the destruction of the market - the market is not the problem per se - but rather it is that our society revolves around the market and the relations which exist within the market. The market is seen as some sort of autonomous force guiding humans. It objectifies humans, instead of generating them as subjects in control of their destinies. Socialism thus means a radical break in the ideological underpinnings of our society: a break away from the market as the guiding principe of life. By this definition, Obama falls short as he advocates the free market quite liberally (haha, pun oh so intended)

McCain is pretty ridiculous. I watched a video of him expressing his opinion (or lack of) on insurance coverage for Viagra, but not birth control. He got really flustered and dodged the question. It seemed like he was just uncomfortable discussing sexual issues. I doubt he will be president... but I have trouble believing in Obama.

He wants to continue the War on Terror, but at the original place it started before Bush decided that he needed to avenge his father and finally subjugate Saddam Hussein. We are turning the clock back to the war on Afghanistan... with a possibility of a war in Iran. Diplomatic relations and an increase of 10,000 troops - seems a bit contradictory to me. But after the disaster in Iraq it seems much better to be in Afghanistan because after all that's where al Qaeda is located and maybe now Bin Laden will be found (if he's still alive? last time I heard he was suffering some serious kidney shit). But this brings us right back to Square One, which is not the best square. There is a reason 9/11 happened, there is a reason that America is hated other than the war in Iraq. It's easy to hide all the horrible shit because there is much worse shit that make the horrible shit look okay. The War on Iraq will somehow justify - well, not justify that's too strong of a word - but it will make the War on Afghanistan look right. But any war is not right. Because the United States is the big bad wolf in this situation - with their Washington Consensus, their post-Washington Consensus, their free market, their free trade (and oh yeah agricultural subsidies, you motherfucking hypocrites), and their great wall-building between Mexico (they stole their land, and now they're gonna make sure they're never gonna get it back)... I could continue, I could write pages on how America is fucked up, but it's really not worth it. All nations have their skeletons, but it just so happens that as one of the most powerful (if not the most powerful) nation, America's shortcomings are felt in waves across the world. 

A couple months ago, I was standing in line to see Hillary Clinton and Cal TV interviewed me. They asked me who I was supporting from the three Democratic candidates; I said I was unsure. Then they wanted to know what could the candidates say to finalize my decision. I answered that there is nothing they could possibly say - which I think just surprised them, but I stand by this answer. There is nothing that any mainstream politican will say that would make me a supporter; there is nothing Obama can say that will make me believe in his hope. Why? Because if he actually did, he would not be elected.

The most terrifying part of our capitalist, market-based society is how well it's molded itself into people's minds and thoughts. Oh hegemony.

Man, fuck I am drinking my usual cup of coffee, but the expresso in it is making me feel very buzzed.

Surprise, surprise, the oil fields in Iraq are up for sale. Mostly to US corporations (you know like Exxon Mobil) and of course BP (oh right, they're totally focusing on alternative energy... oh right with gas prices skyrocketing, everyone's too busy freaking out to worry about the environment- and Bush has placed a moratorium on the solar energy project).

The picture that Yahoo! paints of this is fucking ridiculous. Completely utterly spitworthy.

Let's start with the beginning:
"Iraq opened international bidding for eight enormous oil and gas fields Monday, paving the way for investment in a nation with some of the world's largest petroleum reserves."
Iraq does not exist. What the fuck is Iraq? A puppet government set up by the US government. So let's not mince words here,  "the US opened international bidding..."

"biggest foreign stake in Iraq"
Reason the war has continued. 'Iraq' is in crumbles because it was purposefully partitioned for conflict to occur so it could not become a regional power.

"But the contracts won't be signed for a year, and if Western firms win a dominant role it could feed perceptions that U.S.-led forces toppled Saddam Hussein to get at Iraq's natural resources."
You think!

"Politics does not come into this," al-Dabbagh said. "There is no preferential treatment for anyone, no matter who."
How fucking naive are you?

"And the Iraqi government could use the revenue to rebuild infrastructure and deliver services."
Last time I checked the war isn't over. There's still some angry people - like the Shiites and the Kurds.

"Several Democratic senators in the U.S. recently asked the Bush administration to block the Iraqi government's reported no-bid deals with Western firms until the country finalized the oil law, but the White House refused."
This is just a damn on the US government. They don't want to wait until the oil law is finalized.

"We have been providing services to Iraq from outside the country for a number of years," said Robert Wine, a spokesman for BP. "We submitted a study of the Rumeila fields several years ago and if the discussions do lead to deal, they will focus on the technical services in that report. We need to clarify — this is not about access to the country's oil resources, or exploration. It's a management contract, to provide technical resources."
haha to provide technical resources. nice.

But this is all at the end of the article... it's the hegemonic framework of news stories: potentially scandalous information goes at the end.

On Monday, the Times reported that a small U.S. State Department team helped draw up contracts between the Iraqi Oil Ministry and the five major oil companies reportedly getting no-bid contracts.

State Department spokesman Tom Casey confirmed a small number of U.S. advisers were providing "technical support" to the Iraqi Oil Ministry. But he said "they are not there to try and give the Iraqis any kind of specific requests or to make decisions or to even push in an individual direction."

Casey said the decision by the Iraqis not to announce contracts for several Western firms Monday was their own and not influenced by Washington.

And this is the short blurb from Democracy Now!

Anyway I have a shitload of reading to do, but I just thought this was ... sorta ridiculous.

Also Congress has approved a monetary escalation on covert operations against Iran. A $400 million escalation.

Fun.

To answer my own question: no, there is no difference. I'm just a complicated person (and secretive). But the link between me and him has nothing to do with the romance or our sexual endeavors and much more to do with me and my realization that I needed tell someone this. He happens to be the person that I've found mature enough to handle the shit I told him. He could have been a girl, or just a friend - he just happens to be more.

Edit: I am not comfortable discussing what I told him. I will probably never again tell anyone else this. But it felt good to get it out. It's like a burden lifted off my shoulders.

I want to be less fearful. I am trying to get over my fear of plants and intimacy mainly. I am also on a quest to improve my writing, which is one of the reasons I am forcing (not really forcing, I am enjoying the procrastination right now) myself to write more in here and I suppose this also conquers my intimacy fear. Currently my stomach hurts. Correction: my uterus. Ow.

I do not have anything in particular to say. I have a Spanish oral exam tomorrow. I hate oral exams. I hate talking in front of people. Once I get comfortable with someone, I'm okay. But my oral exam tomorrow would be hard enough in fucking English. But in a different language. I should probably get over that fear too. I don't like being shy, but it's so hard to get over. Sometimes it's like my mind goes blank and I really have nothing to say. In English or Spanish. I'm comfortable with some people - like my Soc of Gender professor; she made me feel extremely at ease; at ease enough for me to talk about a lot. Some people, I just get intimidated and I can't say anything. I have no idea what it is. Mostly I think it's when I feel inferior and thus powerless and then I have no words. Hopefully I will be okay tomorrow.

I am graduating in a year. I don't want to graduate. But at least I've figured myself out, almost completely. I feel pretty liberated. And I finally told someone. I found the words and said them. I realized that if I don't open up I will never get close to anyone. I always tell people pretty superficial things about myself... but I really need to stop no matter how difficult it is to go deeper. Life is such a complicated thing. Relationships with people are difficult. I've always treated romantic relationships like friendships. But are they different? There are a lot of things in my life that I have never discussed with anyone. But that's probably because my life has been pretty intricate. For only being 21, I could say a lot. But that's probably most people? I have no idea. I only know what I know. It's also different meeting people at different stages in life. For example, there's a chunk of things that I don't discuss with people because they were there when it happened. I rarely have long conversations with people about my past. Sometimes I do, but not about these particular things, especially with these words. But does that make a difference? Have I said the same things I say now but just differently? Are all these things obvious?

Let's take a more concrete example: my first boyfriend. I don't think I talk about him very often because what's the point? But if you meet someone new and they ask you about your first relationship, you'd have a reason. Obviously I wouldn't tell this story to certain people because they were there when it happened. But my interpretation of this relationship has radically changed since then. But who do you tell these things to? When you become friends with someone, you don't start telling them about your life? You're just friends with them and you chill with them, and you talk about current shit. So is it only when you meet that someone, that you begin talking about your past? Because that person has a vested interest in knowing more about you? I don't think I told Raechal and Brittney about Thomas, until he came and visited. But maybe at the same time, your past doesn't really start until this age. I have no idea. This whole thing didn't really come up until I couldn't say anything to Seve about my past. And I wasn't sure why. Have I never talked about it before? What did I talk about before? What do I usually talk about in conjunction with my past? I used to tell the cheating story, but that's gotten old. What did I tell 3rd floor Davidson when I got here? What did I tell Ryan? Did I just not say a lot? Do I not remember? I think the one person that knows a lot about me is probably Vincent because he's just a good person to talk to. Maybe that's what it is, finding that person who you are comfortable discussing things with. But have I told him the things that really matter? Does anyone talk about things that really matter? Is anyone really truly honest about who and what shaped them? What really matters? What shapes people? I have no fucking clue because I don't tell people who or what has really affected me. But the same could be true for what people tell me. It could be the superficial layer, just like mine is. Maybe I should go on a quest and probe everyone I know. But then I'd have no idea if they were telling the truth, because I know I wouldn't. Do most people have complicated pasts? Probably. Do most people not share? No clue. Maybe eventually with time. So is it accelerated when you are trying to get into a romantic relationship? Do you fundamentally tell them different things than you would friends, therefore deeply dividing the difference between a friendship and a romantic relationship? Maybe this is all because I never had a family to talk to. But again do people tell intimate details of their lives to their family? Never having a large family, I have no idea. I have throughoughly confused myself... But this is pointless and I need to study!

However if you are reading this (or not... you can skip all the above and just answer this), do you see a difference between a romantic relationship and non-romantic relationship (including family)?

I've been called brilliant three times today. Talk about ego inflation. I also had a really good conversation with my Sociology Professor. I understand why everyone thinks she is amazing. She is. It inspires me to teach (at whatever level) because I want to have this influence on someone too. To make them believe in themselves. Because everyone is brilliant, but most people lack the confidence to exercise it.

Also the Rescomp people are awesome!! I went to get the Rescomp wireless fixed on my computer and they fixed everything for me! One of the kids was really surprised that I wanted to convert to Ubuntu but I guess he was excited because he stayed and helped me out. I am enjoying Ubuntu, way cooler interface options. Fuck Windows. I love going to Berkeley since I'm surrounded by such incredibly intelligent people so there's bound to be someone who can and will fix computers for free.

But the most amazing part of my  day didn't even happen today! I went to the Poetry for the People reading last night; it was beautiful and very intense. I loved it. I love words, I love spoken poetry. I almost cried. It makes me want to take the class. But I'm not sure if I could go up and speak my poetry like that. But maybe. Seve's poem blew me away in many different respects. I love writing; I've loved it for as long as I can remember. I've been writing for over a decade. He is so fucking perfect. I know, I know, we've known each other for a semester. I don't know everything about him. But last night, hearing his poetry, blew my mind. His words still reverbrate in my head. I am so fucked. Ryan, despite all the shit I talk about him, is an amazing person. Inevitably I ended up using him as a yardstick for other people. But now that I know Seve, what the fuck can I do? Intelligent, passionate poet. I wish wish wish that this could happen later in my life. Not now. I don't want this, at least not yet. I mean I want it obviously, but I'm too young!! I have so much more to life and I've already been stunned. I don't like people for their totality; there's always something that just bugs me. But with him, for some reason, though there are things about him that I feel would bug me, they don't when it applies to him. Because I think I understand why he does the things he does and that it's just part of who he is. Here I go, rambling on about him. I shouldn't be thinking about the end, but this is going to shatter my heart. I don't need him or anything like that. But I cannot imagine my life without him. Maybe because he's always going to be a part of me. His words last night are never going to leave me.

What the hell is wrong with me?! I don't think I've ever gone on and on and on like this about a boy. But it's like I can't stop. I could fill pages and pages... lol, and this is why there are so many poems and writings about love. Because you just want to tell the world how beautiful this feeling is. I hate this though; it is so fucking cliche. I'm not like this. I don't spend my time thinking about a boy, writing about a boy, loving a boy. But here I am. At least he inspires me to intelligence.

Weird part of all this: our GSI and Soc of Gender professor have talked about us. My Professor actually mentioned him to me. I suppose the progression of our relationship is pretty clear, especially in that class. But still it's weird finding out that your professor and GSI have talked about you. I can actually imagine the conversation they had though.

Anyway, I'm insane. I need to stop.

Yesterday was one of those days, where I had a million things spring up on my last minute. Starting in the morning. I ended up attending a Neighborhood Association meeting. Hopefully BP will get the grant... considering we pulled off this shit in less than two days, we fucking deserve it.

Today is my last real Soc 101 theory lecture. I think this past school year has truly changed my life and how I think about everything. I didn't think a class could do that... I didn't think I could find the one thing I was looking for my entire life. But I found it all in the last couple months. It's staggering. It's amazing.

Brittney got all these herbs yesterday and it made me realize something; most of my life (because of "general education" schooling), I've always considered herbs and other forms of "alternative" medicine as fake. But they're probably not; they're probably a million times  better than "proven" science and can probably cure and prevent cancer, but nobody gives a damn because herbs can be grown (and not manufactured in some high tech lab only a few people have access too) and thus do not prove to be a viable capitalistic enterprise. So they're not valued. They're treated as sub-par and all the great medicines of the world made by all these "great" fucking scientists are held above them. Fuck scientists; fuck "real" drugs. They fucking ruined my mom's life. I came into Berkeley, wanting to be an MCB major, wanting to go into medicine... and since then I've done a 360 - well much more than a 360...

I was talking to this astronomy graduate kid about Marx (other than the fact that he didn't get Marx and nobody really does; the fucking Communist Manifesto is a fucking manifesto it's not his fucking theory; he has so much more to offer), he said that he doesn't like studying people (I said I did) because of all the horrible things that we do. I didn't know what to tell him. But I suppose if you're white and rich and live in this country, it's okay because none of this shit affects you so you do not understand how your everyday interactions, behaviors and actions are deeply interconnected. You cannot opt out of society. My understanding of the world is at a creepy level (I don't need metaphors, fuck that). Everything everyone does follows this pattern; its intense and amusing. Intuitively I think I've always been able to do this; I think that's why I fucked around with Ryan, because it was fascinating how entrenched he is in society, while rejecting it at the same time. Intuitively I've always known what I know (and in some way a lot of people do) but now I have a framework I can use to talk about it. Even if it's only to Seve.... he's spoiled me immensely. I've never connected with someone on this level. It cuts deeper than friendship - as relationships tend to, but ... well I think he's just a special person. I always thought I was frustrated with people beccause they didn't care. But it's not that  - it's not about reading the newspaper, changing the world, or voting.. haha especially not voting... it's much more about understanding things the way I do. It's not that my way is better; I value the way everyone thinks, but I've never met anyone who thinks like this. And I suppose it's just liberating, being understood. I've struggled before to show people how I think, but nobody has understood. And I mostly gave up, how can I make the astronomy graduate kid see what I see? I can't, just like he can't show me what he sees about galaxies. But throughout most of my life, I've always been told "I don't understand you." Inevitably things will probably get fucked up between us - dunno over what yet, but I'm sure it will happen. Just because we think similarly, does not mean there isn't room for conflict. But I fucking hope that I don't lose him as a person. If I do something stupid to fuck things up when I'm drunk, I will stop drinking (and if I forget I said this, and I keep drinking, I better fucking read this at some point and feel fucking guilty!). If I cheat on him with anyone, I will be so fucking mad at myself. Damn; I can't believe I'm falling in love with him. *sigh But most likely what will be the breaking point is next semester and my inevitable lack of time. BP will swallow my life next semester. I know it. I am excited for it.... but it will be intense. Cal Lobby Day all over again. I have done way too much for this school.

 Anyway, I know I ramble way too much about him on here (haha there is more but for the sake of most people I've made them private)... but I just don't know what to do with how I feel. If I don't articulate it somehow, I feel imminent explosion.

Back to Spanish! (As a sidenote, I love these frog emoticons... haha)

at this very precise moment, if i could be any happier i think i'd explode. it is probably fleeting, but i (for like possibly the hundredth time) have discovered my purpose in life. the end-goal will be my own army.

I spent two hours today looking up information on the 9 3rd graders who allegedly plotted to kill their teacher. In the end it was just a reminder that I live in a bubble of Berkeley, specifically a sociological bubble, where we actually deal and talk about racism. But out in the real world, America continues to be blind and racist. I can't be angry because I realized I know this but I just forget.

People are fucking ignorant. But that's okay. It's the world I live in, and I have to know this.

Onto a self-reflection on my own race... When I was in Poland, I felt extremely isolated and lonely. I never felt like I fit in. That all changed as soon as I left and specifically when I entered school in America. I always thought it was because somehow in that year and a half, I managed to outgrow my shyness. But what I never thought about, until Seve brought it up, was that how different I looked from everyone in Poland. And it's true. Poland is pretty much all white. I don't look white. I may be white in terms of being very American, since I am heavily influenced by American culture, but physically I don't particularly look a certain race (if anything I look Hispanic). This started me on a whole train of other thoughts... what did other Polish people think of my mom? Poland is a Catholic country, my mom had me clearly out of wedlock with a brown man. Poland is a racist country, at least from what I deduced from my mom and her hatred of black people. Then why did she have sex with my dad? Maybe there was something about him that drew her to him; I have no idea. She has never brought up any of this with me. Is this why her mom hates her? I suppose so. I suppose the story of my half-sister being taken away because of my brown-ness is not a lie. But I am guessing that this is not the only consequence of my non-whiteness. My mom didn't even tell me until I was in 8th grade that I was part Indian (even though I'm not, I'm half Bangladeshi - and there is a huge distinction, which I respect because my dad was involved in the Bangladeshi Independence movement), and even then she told me I was only a quarter Indian because I was raised in Poland which made me more white. Race has been such a prevalent yet silent issue with me that I've only recently started to articulate it within myself. I've always attributed things to class. But as much as me and Seve talk shit about our gender class, it has shown me the importance of intersectionality and how much of our lives are shaped by class, gender and race (among other things). And I've only recently started putting these things together in my head. I have been impacted by all three in such different, varied ways that sometimes I feel there is no language for my experiences. Slowly I'm gaining insight though and understanding what happened in my past so that I can be less angry and less confused. Maybe if I had understood any of this sooner, I wouldn't have had to suffer so much pain in my adolescence. I wouldn't have had to go through such an identity crisis my sophomore year of college. Seve is helping me understand because he too has experienced the race and class dilemmas. Especially race because he too is a half which is not real. I am two halves, swallowed by historicity. I am two halves which do not readily exist in our discourse. I am two halves, split but slowly crawling together. I am growing and maturing constantly, everyday, so much that I can barely recognize myself. I can't believe it's taken me this long to put everything together, but it has. As I slowly find a way to express who I am and how I've come to exist, I am growing happier and calmer. And hopefully at some point, I can lead others to do the same. To find who they are in this complex, inter-woven world.

Listening to Obama's speech on race. Rhetoric, charisma, religion. It's what  you need to win the US presidential election.

Today is the 5th anniversary of the Iraq War. Remember when Bush said we were going to be out in a few weeks? Remember when it wasn't a war, but a liberation? Remember when it was supposed to be about Osama Bin Laden? American Amnesia. It's beautiful.

"The anger is real. The anger is powerful. Ignoring it will only serve to widen the chasm between the races." ~ Obama

I love it when politicians fuck up... [he said this in Jordan] [I am also reading the news - I have to multitask because I have a Spanish test later today and a response due tmrw]

Sen. John McCain: “Well, it’s common knowledge and has been reported in the media that al-Qaeda is going back into Iran and receiving training and are coming back into Iraq from Iran. That’s well known. And it’s unfortunate. So I believe that we are succeeding in Iraq. The situation is dramatically improved. But I also want to emphasize time and again al-Qaeda is on the run, but they are not defeated.”

Sen. Joseph Lieberman: [whispering] “You said that the Iranians were training al-Qaeda. I think you meant they’re training in extremist terrorism.

"McCain: “I’m sorry, the Iranians are training extremists, not al-Qaeda, not al-Qaeda. I’m sorry.”

Oh McCain.

My GSI named quotes from the candidates and had us guess who said what. They all fall under the same normative umbrella of thought - but ... I think whether a white woman, a black/white man, or a white man wins makes a difference - if only because the way their minds are structured is different. If you are a white man, there are certain things you will never quite grasp - sorry. You can see them, you can understand them, but unless you have been marginalized by society, pushed to the boundaries - and realized that there is nothing you can do because those are just the structures of society, until you've reached that point, you have not felt the hollow desperation of utter hopelessness. As a woman, as a non-white man, at some point in your life, regardless to what degree you have felt that. But that's the only difference... maybe that's why America has decided to concentrate on the race issue because it is the poignant obvious difference.

Economy is going into recession (according to 70% of economists, but not good ol' Bush, who is apparently an optimistic fellow). I wonder if the economy is going to collapse and we're going to back in time to the 30s. I think we are living at an crux of change. But oil prices have dropped... $4... after rising how much? haha what did they used to be 50$ a barrel? Oh American Amnesia facilitated by television and media.

Grocery prices have gone up. Egg prices have risen 25% in the last year. Biggest grocery store inflation since the 1990s.

"bleed together under the same flag" It's time to give up racism and succumb to nationalism. Because it is not the black or the brown who is taking the white job, it is the woman in the non-industrialized world. Or better yet, let's attack the corporation who does everything for profit. Because the corporation is obviously an entity, and not run by real human people (not the white man, never).

Obama's speech on race: middle half is pretty interesting when he recognizes that inequalities have bled into to today. That's pretty much it. I am critical, but I do not criticize it - because he did speak of structural inequalities and the right to anger. We all have the right to anger. And if that anger emerges as violence so be it. It's better than violence emerging out of white man's burden, imperialism = the right to superiority.

Sometimes it's so hard for me to deal with people that are ignorant. I try to deal with ignorance, I try to be accepting, I try to not be elitist. But everyone is so trapped in this box, this box that has been constructed by the media, by our society - and they do not see the way out. But it is extremely difficult, not impossible, but difficult to see past all the lies. Because most of them are lies. But people do not see the lies, they criticize or they praise, but have no idea why.

Or worse people wear Che Guevara shirts and have no idea who he is or what he did ... and how angry he'd probably be seeing his face commodified and marketed.

But then how can I claim to be any better? I guess I don't. But damn people are so fucking retarded - you wonder why slavery happened and why slavery continues? Because everyone is a fucking sheep. Just following, following, following, obeying, being dominated - because it's easier because they don't see another way.

I should not be so bitter or so condescending, but currently I am frustrated. Apologies.

Castro as of this morning has resigned as Cuba's president.

"The international community should work with the Cuban people to begin to build institutions that are necessary for democracy," he said. "Eventually, this transition ought to lead to free and fair elections — and I mean free, and I mean fair — not these kind of staged elections that the Castro brothers try to foist off as true democracy." (this is Bush's statement)

Now the irony ... if you actually read what socialism is supposed to be - human emancipation... you realize that socialism in its most purest form IS democracy. While electoral politics are the very antithesis of democracy because they create power for a minority through an ideologically  constructed representation of the majority.

And as for staged elections... uh remember Florida....

I've been struggling with a feeling all day today. I think something bad is going to happen. It's that time of year again. My birthday. I dunno... I'm trying to make it fun by being excited about it... part of my shitty birthdays had to do with the me believing that they would be shitty. But ... this is a horrible feeling that is eating away at me. I am hoping that I'm wrong. That this is just a feeling... but there is something lurking around the corner. And it's making me upset. I wish I could read my feelings better. I wish that something would happen, then I would feel something about it. Rather than I feel something.. and then something happens... and then I don't feel anything.

I have this horrible feeling that I know what it is. That I know exactly what it is. But I am hoping that I'm wrong. I'm not even going to say what it is, but it's pounding through me. And I dunno lately I've been right about things. But I could be wrong about this. I probably am wrong about this, I'm not even sure why I'm so convinced.... I dunno, I can't think about it. If it happens.. if it fucking happens... I dunno.

I'm prolly just crazy. I just wish this feeling of doom would go away. I don't like feelings of doom.

yep, i love this holiday. :-]

also 10 more days until my birthday. 10 more days until i'm 21.
o.O

alcoholism here i come!! i'm so ready to start my 20s and have a kick-ass decade.
i'm excited :-]

i will never again even in moments of desperation like today buy non-brand tampons. there is a reason 10 tampons only cost $2. ... my vag hurts :-[.

oh tampax pearl, i miss you so.

super tuesday. woot.

i voted. feel a bit empowered. maybe your vote really doesn't count, maybe it really doesn't matter who the fuck wins because the system will remain corrupt... but well for today i'm gonna be optimistic :].

and if you haven't voted, do it!

my dreams have been vivid the last couple of nights. and about people. weird.

tonight i had a dream about this person that i miss a lot - unfortunately in my dream, they just annoyed the hell out of me, reminded me of all the reasons i'm glad i'm not friends with certain people.

i am such a solitary person, but i gotta start interacting with people again. *sigh.

not looking forward to school starting. at least not anymore. i dunno, too many emotions as of late. one track just leads to another. i feel like the ball is in my court for a lot of different things - i guess lots of balls are in my court - and i need  to do something about all of them, but i am stuck - unsure of what i want to do, if i even really want to do it.. but... i have to eventually do something. but i am stuck. choices are hard.

but i am looking forward to my classes. at least those are easy.